my_mind1978

anxious

2007-02-28T04:38:39Z

I am just worried. I don't know what is going on with work. So many things going on at once, and I can't deal with it all. I really need to make sure I get the help I need to make sure this all works out. It seems like things are just piling on, and I haven't even dealt with the shit from a month ago yet. ahhhhhhhhhh I might be starting counselling over the phone with a very long past mentor of mine. She made such a difference in my life when I was a kid, and she came back in my life. That is also why I am nervous, to open myself up again. We will see.

who knows

2007-02-14T03:16:47Z

I'm not sure what I am today, other than just feeling blah and lonely. I had a cuddle with a friend, which was nice, but didn't fill what I was looking for. I guess I don't know what I am looking for. I went for supper with a couple at their house, and that was real nice, but I also feel like I am just all alone in this world when I leave. I don't know how I want to be or what I want to do. I'm joining Weight Watchers tomorrow and I am just not sure I'm ready. I am nervous and don't want to mess up again. It has to stick eventually, right? *sigh*

I'm not content with myself today. Just been cleaning like crazy, and seem to not get things done the way I want them. I want someone here with me to be close to, yet I want to push people away as well. I blew off two friends today who wanted to spend time with me. I just am feeling discontent with things.

depressing

2007-02-13T05:23:24Z

I don't know how to get over this... what am I to do? I cry, I talk, I cry, I talk, I think, I cry more... I think I'm normal, then I just start to cry mid sentence. I want to forget, but I don't want to. I want to disappear, but I don't want to. My heart just plain hurts.

A death...

2007-02-09T08:22:14Z

Part of an email I wrote... my feelings...

It is difficult sometimes to share exactly what is going on, but it certainly isn't easy when it is a death at work. It was one of the ladies I cared for FT as the home manager (one of 3), and it was very sudden, and unexpected death (2 weeks to the day of diagnosis).

I was completely responsible for her whole life, finances, recreation, health care, etc... I was her advocate... I feel I have let her down in a huge way. They say there was no way to know, but I still kick myself over and over. I know just a snip it of what you do for work, I wondered if anyone deals with grief counselling specifically for the caregivers. I'm not a family member. I saw this woman 40 hours a week for the last year and 9 months of her life! Her family visited twice year. We all became her family! She knew we loved her too.

Honestly, I don't think I was closer to anyone in my life in such a pure and innocent way; even though she couldn't speak full sentences to me, we still communicated. It is such a different situation, and I wish there was more help out there for those who are in this situation. I have staff who are falling apart at work trying to deal with the other two roommates, and I am holding it together till tomorrow when I sign off the house to another very capable manager for the week. Next week is ME time, and I want to get help however I can. I can't let this drag on and ruin my career, because I love what I do so much. I loved her so much though. I miss everything about her right now.

OK damn it anyway.... I was doing so good today, just a few tears here and there, and now I'm bawling.